Wordless Frustration!

Have you ever been in a situation where you wanted to say something, but trying to take what was swirling around in your head and turn it into sentences that made sense coming out of your mouth was utterly impossible? Ahhhh...I just want to scream sometimes. I love writing. Some people used to tell me that I was good at it and I should consider writing a book. Ha ha ha. That's humorous to me now as I have had my blog open on my computer for two days and all I can think to write is how frustrated I have been at my inability to write. What's the deal?

Is it that I have nothing to say? Is it that my life is so uninteresting that I get bored with myself trying to type it out for others to read? Sometimes I feel as if I simply have nothing to offer anyone who might happen to stumble upon this page, take 2 minutes out of their day to read my mindless muttering, and then make a promise to themselves never to click on my link again. Maybe.

Perhaps it's that at one point in my life, back when xanga was the blog everyone thought was cool, I felt I had a story to tell. I believed that by sharing my life experiences someone else might understand, learn, or realize that they aren't the only ones dealing with the ups and downs of this crazy roller coaster we are all riding. Although there are many details missing between the xanga posts and now, I'd like to pick that story back up. Fast forward about 3 years...

I'm back in East Texas working at the fabulous institution that awarded me a Bachelor's Degree back in 2004, East Texas Baptist University. I am a recruiter in the Admissions Office, primarily dealing with transfer students from the Southeast region of Texas. It's a great job as it allows me to meet students from all over the state of Texas and beyond who are going through completely different stages of their lives. Some have never lived away from home, some are looking for a small Christian atmosphere in which to study, some have zero support from parents or family members, and others are wanting a fresh start - to make something of themselves. They all walk through my door, sit in my chairs, open up their lives to me, and I do my very best to listen and understand. There are times when I feel emotionally drained having to tell a student that based on this or that, we cannot admit them. Yet, there are times when I get to deliver the news that based on the ACT test they studied for and lost sleep over, they now meet our admission requirements and will be able to attend classes with us. Ups and downs. Mountains and valleys. Life.

In the midst of getting reacquainted with East Texas and all of the changes that have taken place since I've been gone, there are SO many in what used to be my little one red light town, God opened a door to something truly spectacular and beautiful. Cornerstone Fellowship. A new church plant with people that I love dearly as I love my own family. A place where I get to work with kids the way I've always dreamed. We launched September 5th of this year and sometimes I still can't believe it's actually real. From outstanding worship led by Jordan, Levi and Luke. To Carl bringing the word each week in a very raw and unapologetic manner. To my two beautiful regular attenders, Lexie and Kylee, walking through the door smiling and ready to learn about Jesus. I'm constantly in awe. God has shown up and shown off in so many ways since we started. He has taken the leadership of our church and chiseled away the crap that stood between us and Him so that we can be effective in His church. We don't require you to check your junk at the door. We encourage you to bring it in so that we, as a family of believers, can help you scrape it off and wash it away. We want to love as He loves. We want to serve as He serves. We want to go where He goes. We want to see as He sees. We want to shine as He shines. We want to be imitators of the One who knows it all, owns it all, gives it all, and opens His arms to all who will come.

Uncle Ben said it best, "With great power comes great responsibility." Sometimes I have to remind myself that I am worthless, powerless, useless apart from Christ. I must take whatever jobs and opportunities He gives me and do my very best to make much of Him. That's all that matters. We are called to make His name great as we are empowered by the Holy Spirit within us. He allows us to be a part of His master plan and with that comes a great deal of responsibility. What am I going to do with it? Waste it away? Pretend that it doesn't exist? Or lay aside all of me so that I can be consumed only with Him? Yeah, I think that sounds like the best plan!

Wordless frustration no more. At least for now...